Shortly after Nathaniel died, one of the wiser women in my life told me this. I don't know if the history is accurate or not. But it makes sense to me that babies could come from the wind. I've never personally seen a sperm cell swim.
That's a tongue twister: sperm cell swim sperm cell swim sperm cell swim.
I'm not trying to conceive.
My grandmother told me that babies just happen. That has certainly been my personal experience, and what I've witnessed to be true for other people. All the science and math in the world can't give some people babies for no reason that doctors can explain, and other people seem to conceive and carry and birth effortlessly. I've never tried to get pregnant. I've been pregnant twice. I've had two babies. One died.
In the process of finding out about Nathaniel's condition, and trying to uncover why he had his rare chromosomal abnormality, the specialists took a blood sample from me for genetic testing. As it turns out, I'm a "carrier." Nathaniel got his condition from me.
Nathaniel's chromosomes look something like this:
47, XY, +der(22),t(11;22)(q23.3q11.2), matWhat this means for me is that I have a 5 - 6% chance of having another baby with Nathaniel's chromosomal abnormality, and about a 50% chance of having a viable pregnancy as a "carrier."
I'm 38 years old. I'll be 39 in three months. I don't know the exact statistics, but I'm pretty sure my age also knocks down my chance of a viable pregnancy.
One of my sisters is a known carrier. She has had multiple miscarriages. I don't even know how many. She has two children.
Being lost without my baby means that I'm a bit guano loco. Consciously, fully stepping into "trying to get pregnant" and having a baby scares me. What if I try and fail because of age, or chromosomes, or lack of wind? What if I try and succeed, and then carry my baby knowing that my baby could die at any time? I've learned that babies die for all kinds of reasons.
I do feel some pressure that, if we're going to have a baby, we should get on it because of my age, and frankly, because of my husband's age, too. He's going to be 50 in March.
At this point, I don't think that I can try to conceive. I think that maybe, in another 6 or 7 months, I could open myself to the possibility, remember that babies just happen, keep my sails in healthy condition, and see if there are favorable winds.