Thursday, September 19, 2013


so many facets of life to reflect. . .

the facet of Reproductive Drama: inspired by awesomeness, i made a spontaneous appointment with reproductive specialists. today is day 26, and I am waiting for my period. once i start, the doctors and staff will take magic pictures of my 40 year old ovaries, and from those pictures, as well as with some other data they collect in the coming month, they will give me some information about the likelihood of conception.

during my consultation, they already briefed me on things like
egg donors

but all i am really ready for right now is some data about the likelihood of conception. because i am sooooooo done with the emotional roller coaster of my menstrual cycle, and the heartbreak of no baby, every month. i don't know if i have it in me to go through ivf. but if the door of fertility is closed, i do have it in me to find closure, and start envisioning another life.

on the facet of The Farm: we have been harvesting birds. chickens, turkeys, and ducks. it has been a very real and cathartic process for me and my 18 year-old son. our freezer is full of meat. soon, we will repurpose a goose.

the vegetable garden and the fruit trees have kept our bellies full for months, and will probably continue to feed us all until january. currently, we get about 90% of our food from the farm, which was my goal all along. and i love that.


we have eleven acres. my husband works full time. i have other things i want to do. we're talking about moving. again.


it's like one of those questions - what dramatic thing did you do when your baby died? oh, we bought a farm. and moved to the farm. and now. . .it has become clear that we may have been crazy when (six months after nathaniel died) we signed the papers.

on the facet of My Life: i'm still lost. no rainbow baby to ground me to a schedule of taking care of a wee one, and the way that tethers a person to the cycle of the sun and moon. of course, in a good way. but. . .

now, i am just trying to figure out what i want. my living, loving son will be going to college. my entire adult life has been about taking care of him. and if my reproductive door has closed, and i have the rest of my life. . .now what?

what do i even want?

i'm trying to figure that out.

my husband's work is flexible to the point that we could, really, live anywhere. on the planet. is that what i want? i don't know.

do i want to travel?

do i want to become a foster parent and raise kids that way? do we want to adopt? do i want to go and volunteer and do good things?

i do have a short and focused bucket list, and i'm trying to focus on checking those things off. but without my kids to take care of, what now?