Thursday, July 11, 2013


i remember nathaniel

in my fingertips
my armpits
my chest
every single cell

if you cut off my head, i would still remember him.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

right where i am: 1 year, 11 months, one week, and five days

this post is part of angie's right where i am project.

last year's post is here

one year, eleven months, one week, and five days

i've started other right where i am posts this year, but i always get distracted before i am able to finish. and when i finally come back to it, so much time has passed that the writing is no longer right where i am. 

here's the gist:

a. i am terribly, terribly sad. still. and often. especially now that i'm closing in on nathaniel's second birthday. tomorrow was his due date, and i fear the echoing march between his due date and all of the days that passed before he was born.

maybe that is something to write about in the next few weeks.

b. and. i feel incredibly, breathtakingly lucky. my life is so much bigger than i ever imagined it could be. my path has taken unexpected turns, and as a result of our loss, we took the big leap of getting the farm. changing our lives completely. forging a new path. i have so much beauty in my life, and the opportunity to learn and explore and experiment and discover and create and play.

c. and. there is still a gaping hole in my heart. sometimes there is a dizzying light that comes from how much i love nathaniel. sometimes there is anger at how much it hurts. and sometimes, it pulls with the gravity and heaviness that he's gone.