Thursday, January 26, 2012

6 months 1 day

Yesterday was Nathaniel's six month birthday. It was the first thing that I thought as soon as I woke up.

Six months old. Six months not old. Six months lost. Six months gone.

I missed him. Fiercely. But not in the way that I was howling. I had howled the day before.

Yesterday, and today, I missed him from a place of love, which is easier to bear. I just love him so much, and I can feel the openess of the love and belonging. Today, I even felt happy, simply because I was not in excruciating pain.

We bought a farm. The 25th of January, six months after Nathaniel was born and died, was the first day that we owned it. It's a small farm on an island. We went out there today and I just cried. It's all about Nathaniel.

I cried while I was out there and wished that I had my baby strapped onto me in some way - in a sling or backpack. Some way to hold him and feel his little body and warmth. I wish I had a collection of little hats for his head.

I think about everything I want to show Nathaniel on the farm.

I wish I could teach Nathaniel about chickens and rabbits. We could start seeds togethers and grow a tremendous garden of flowers and vegetables. Raise a goat or a lamb or a horse.

It's all about him. It's all about Nathaniel. The farm is all about finding ways to keep him near.


  1. I have thought about you and sweet Nathaniel many times this week. I hope the farm helps you feel like he is near. That he is with you always.

    Sending so much love to you this week. I hope the next 6 months are somehow more bearable.

  2. I've been thinking of you and Nathaniel. The farm sounds like such a special place. I hope the farm helps you keep Nathaniel near, and helps you to continue to keep his spirit and memory alive. Sending love x

  3. I don't know how I missed that you had a blog and that you are writing so beautiful and eloquently, as only you do. I love you, my sweet friend, and I am holding your hand all these miles away. Happy 1/2 birthday, sweet Nathaniel. I hope you and Violet are celebrating in a beautiful way.

  4. At one of our support meetings, a fellow bereaved mother was explaining how she needs to go her son's grave to tend to it regularly. She feels that since his death she has nothing to do with her hands, and that tending to the land, planting seeds and watching them grow has been a huge comfort to her. Your farm made me remember that. I have no doubt you will make it beautiful for Nathaniel. But I also know it's not what you had planned. I'm sorry.