Thursday, September 19, 2013


so many facets of life to reflect. . .

the facet of Reproductive Drama: inspired by awesomeness, i made a spontaneous appointment with reproductive specialists. today is day 26, and I am waiting for my period. once i start, the doctors and staff will take magic pictures of my 40 year old ovaries, and from those pictures, as well as with some other data they collect in the coming month, they will give me some information about the likelihood of conception.

during my consultation, they already briefed me on things like
egg donors

but all i am really ready for right now is some data about the likelihood of conception. because i am sooooooo done with the emotional roller coaster of my menstrual cycle, and the heartbreak of no baby, every month. i don't know if i have it in me to go through ivf. but if the door of fertility is closed, i do have it in me to find closure, and start envisioning another life.

on the facet of The Farm: we have been harvesting birds. chickens, turkeys, and ducks. it has been a very real and cathartic process for me and my 18 year-old son. our freezer is full of meat. soon, we will repurpose a goose.

the vegetable garden and the fruit trees have kept our bellies full for months, and will probably continue to feed us all until january. currently, we get about 90% of our food from the farm, which was my goal all along. and i love that.


we have eleven acres. my husband works full time. i have other things i want to do. we're talking about moving. again.


it's like one of those questions - what dramatic thing did you do when your baby died? oh, we bought a farm. and moved to the farm. and now. . .it has become clear that we may have been crazy when (six months after nathaniel died) we signed the papers.

on the facet of My Life: i'm still lost. no rainbow baby to ground me to a schedule of taking care of a wee one, and the way that tethers a person to the cycle of the sun and moon. of course, in a good way. but. . .

now, i am just trying to figure out what i want. my living, loving son will be going to college. my entire adult life has been about taking care of him. and if my reproductive door has closed, and i have the rest of my life. . .now what?

what do i even want?

i'm trying to figure that out.

my husband's work is flexible to the point that we could, really, live anywhere. on the planet. is that what i want? i don't know.

do i want to travel?

do i want to become a foster parent and raise kids that way? do we want to adopt? do i want to go and volunteer and do good things?

i do have a short and focused bucket list, and i'm trying to focus on checking those things off. but without my kids to take care of, what now?


  1. These huge life decisions are hard one their own (some made; some made for us). Clouded in grief, they are so much more challenging. The farm sounds amazing--and your work and bounty is truly impressive! Sending you love and peace. xoxo

  2. Your farm sounds amazing and I bet it was good for you to get your hands in the earth and be connected to the cycle of life while your grief for Nathaniel was so fresh. Even if you change course now it seems like a great thing to have done.
    I hope that you are able to get some answers about your fertility. Knowing what your options are should make your next steps clearer.

  3. Your farm sounds better than any of my childhood memories of visiting them and temporarily at one point in time, living on one.

    I'll be thinking about you as this next page in your life regarding fertility takes a turn. I think about you anyways...and I think about Nathaniel. But if you find yourself embarking on another pregnancy, you'd better believe my mind and heart will hold tight to hope for you.

    Here's to finding some peace, whatever the path you take

  4. Come live next to Stanley Park and be my neighbour!

    I would love to visit your farm one day; it sounds wonderful. Sending lots of love and hugs as you navigate all these changes and possible changes...The rest of a life is a daunting thing to consider.

  5. Six months after our children died. We were all crazy. No advice. Just know I'm reading when you're ready to write.

  6. Huge difficult questions.

  7. Hi, my friend. I can't believe it's taken me so long to come here and see this!

    I'm glad you're exploring the options before making any decisions. For me, I wasn't sure about IVF at first, but now I'm glad we're doing it. I need to have tried that last step before closing any doors. We are now talking about how many cycles will close the door for us, and we don't know the answer to that yet.

    IVF has its own challenges and is its own rollercoaster. But I will say that I am glad to be off the train of waiting for my period and hoping and waiting and praying and then being disappointed and crying every month. That's so hard.

    If you don't move to Stanley Park to live with March, LA is lovely too!

    Sending you good thoughts and strength as you go on this journey. Always here to listen and support. And of course to remember Nathaniel. XO

  8. I saw your comment on Glow and just came back to read this. I hope these last six wintery months have been peaceful on the farm, though without a doubt, filled with difficulties. I'm tginking of you and Nathaniel. xoxo