Sunday, July 7, 2013

right where i am: 1 year, 11 months, one week, and five days

this post is part of angie's right where i am project.

last year's post is here

one year, eleven months, one week, and five days

i've started other right where i am posts this year, but i always get distracted before i am able to finish. and when i finally come back to it, so much time has passed that the writing is no longer right where i am. 

here's the gist:

a. i am terribly, terribly sad. still. and often. especially now that i'm closing in on nathaniel's second birthday. tomorrow was his due date, and i fear the echoing march between his due date and all of the days that passed before he was born.

maybe that is something to write about in the next few weeks.

b. and. i feel incredibly, breathtakingly lucky. my life is so much bigger than i ever imagined it could be. my path has taken unexpected turns, and as a result of our loss, we took the big leap of getting the farm. changing our lives completely. forging a new path. i have so much beauty in my life, and the opportunity to learn and explore and experiment and discover and create and play.

c. and. there is still a gaping hole in my heart. sometimes there is a dizzying light that comes from how much i love nathaniel. sometimes there is anger at how much it hurts. and sometimes, it pulls with the gravity and heaviness that he's gone.


  1. Suzanne, thank you for the candle at the Grotto for Eva. I posted the pic on my blog. I read your comment to Always my three boys...Im hoping to read more on your blog soon...if Im right.

  2. Sending so much love your way for tomorrow and all the days til Nathaniel's birthday and beyond. Sad, lucky, a gaping hole at the centre. Yup, yup and yup. I get this. How is the farm these days, with summer upon it? I hope it provides you with some peace and beauty during the hard weeks ahead.

  3. I want to say something wonderful, but I just don't have the words to do justice to what is in my head and heart for you right now. Such a confusing mix of emotions. Love to you.

  4. Oh the gaping hole is so hard to handle some/many/most/all days. Peace and love to you on these weeks before Nathaniel's second birthday. I am so glad for the farm and the beauty that Nathaniel has brought to your lives. xoxo

  5. Yes. I feel much the same, Suzanne. We are nearing Liam's second birthday too.

    I'm thinking about you tonight, on Nathaniel's due date, and I will be thinking about you both in these weeks leading to his second birthday.

    Sending love and light. Remembering Nathaniel always <3

  6. Sending you so much love today. I'm thinking of you. And of Nathaniel. Always your sweet Nathaniel. XO

  7. You describe the balance of joy and sorrow so eloquently. I feel much the same way as you. Our angelversaries are so close....I am also ticking down to that day. Hugs!!