Tuesday, April 9, 2013


i turned 40 last week. my husband and i went to berlin and prague for the week before my birthday. we walked around and ate our way through both of the cities. i spent most of the time thinking about people and the things that they create and destroy.

wandering around two large cities, i thought about people making more people. i thought about how people have babies who, most of the time, live, and grow into children who grow into teenagers who grow into adults who then make more babies. of course, i thought about me, on the edge of my reproductive years, about us, about our family, and wondered whether or not we'll have another baby. i thought about our living children who are both on the edge of adulthood, and wondered whether or not they'll have babies, and when.

life on the farm continues to unfold. we have a goose who is sitting on a clutch of eggs. i hope that at least some of them hatch. our ducks have started laying eggs, and i found two double yolk duck eggs last week.

being on the farm is not about people, and i think that is informing the way i view the world right now. a few months ago, i would leave my house and i was surrounded by other people things: other houses, other kept yards, streets, cars, shops, libraries, restaurants. here on the farm, i mostly interact with seeds and dirt, trees, plants, birds, and dogs. our farm is not people centered, and i am starting to experience the whole world so differently. the rhythms of my life are shifting.

i talk to nathaniel. i miss him with every cell in my body. my skin and senses keep looking for him, all of the time. it's exhausting.


  1. I love the photo of you.

  2. There are so many people everywhere around me; I live in one of the most densely populated neighbourhoods in North America - I'm intrigued by your farm and I like the sound of shifting rhythms. I am always looking for Anja here, too and it is always exhausting. I hope this is a good year for you, in the qualified sense of good that we live with now. I hope your geese can hatch some of their eggs.

  3. I am a loner and i enjoy peace and quiet alot so your farm sounds like heaven to me, I will be 40 in july and I think the grief has made me look and feel so much older. Xo

  4. Well happy birthday! I find myself thinking the same things about others and their children.

    Did you drive between Berlin and Prague? I found that drive crazy! Our GPS was not working in Czech, so we were using maps. Perhaps I'm the only one who finds that daunting. Hah.

    Wishing you a happy belated.

  5. Your trip sounds wonderful. I was in Prague 5 years ago and seeing you in front of that clock and imagining you around the city gave me joy. I hope your birthday was lovely. 40 definitely will give you pause for reflection as does traveling in foreign lands. I think life on a farm sounds really lovely for all the reasons you mentioned. I hope that the middlings of your mind eventually lead to clarity. Sending love and missing right along with you.

  6. Also I love the double yolk. Right before Harlow was conceived we had 4 eggs with double yolks. It was crazy cool. Whatever it may bring I hope it's good

  7. It sounds like a beautiful trip. I've never been to either place, but would love to go. I am 41, and definitely struggle with the same questions. Thinking of you.

  8. It's so nice to see you on IG and here, Suzanne. My next birthday is 40 and I find myself thinking much of the same things you write about here. My eldest step daughter is 21 and she just moved in with her boyfriend. I wonder if she will have babies and when too. And the other day my dad pointed out how he will be 80 when Leif is 10 and I could see that made him a little sad. It made me sad too but happy that he gets to watch one of his grandchildren live and grow for however long.

    I still search for Liam too. In the sky and the birds. The grief sneaks up on me and it's exhausting yes.

    Your farm sounds amazing. I've always dreamed of packing it all up and moving to the countryside of Vermont. Maybe one day.

    Missing Nathaniel with you always. xx