Saturday, January 12, 2013


we went through the move. i went through the move. there are days that i want to call the movers back to take everything home. but the day of the move was fairly peaceful.

all of nathaniel's boxes and things waited in the front room for the movers. a blanket draped over his car seat. a mover came in and asked, "is there a baby in there?" before he picked it up and took it to the truck.

i found a closet for nathaniel's boxes and oddly shaped baby things - his brand new stroller, his bouncy chair. i thought to myself, how can a dead baby have so much stuff? but here i am, still keeping it all. moving it from one house to another. i've wondered, if we end up having another baby, could i let the other baby use nathaniel's stuff? i honestly don't know.

it's a crazy babyloss moment, keeping all of his stuff.  

so now the farm house is full of boxes. i'm taking part of my saturday to catch up with blogging, because isn't that better than unpacking? the farm is on an island called sauvie island. it's located about 20 minutes from downtown portland in the columbia river.

it's peaceful here. very dark at night because it's away from the city. my neighbors have cows.

we still talk about having a baby. whether to or not to. we weigh the many risks of age. we are both haunted by the truth of life and death and all of the stories of loss we now know. we fly around the lands of yes, no, maybe.

i dream about flying away.


  1. Georgina also quite a lot of 'stuff' for somebody who is dead. I just don't know what to do with it all. Some of the big things I gave away, like her car seat. Some of the stuff I sold, like the double stroller. Some of the things I kept and, eventually, J or R used them. I thought I would mind that more than I actually did.

    Your place looks beautiful and peaceful.

    And what that mover said, ah my heart.

    I don't have any answers, I'm flying around the very same land, with the very same dream.

  2. I picked some of Jack's, most special toys and clothes and they are kept along with his urn in his bassinette which stays in my bedroom, there are two bassinettes in my bedroom now, I am sure if a stranger came over he would think we had twins. I dont envy you with the unpacking, I hope this place brings you much peace and comfort . It sounds wonderful. xoxoxo

  3. I dream the same dream. I hope you can feel peaceful after the move and that the unpacking is not too terrible. Anja had no things, which has its own strangeness. Your farm looks just beautiful...I'd love to stop by for tea.

  4. How I wish Nathaniel was here to use all of those things bought specially for him. I'm just so sorry he isn't.

    Where you live sounds peaceful and maybe I'm wrong, but in many ways the quietness of it all makes me think you feel closer to him. I know that in the quiet of the morning or evening, I feel closer to Andrew. Wishing you peace, always.

  5. I still have a box of Avery's clothes in the foyer closet. My son used the little things we'd bought for her, like blankets, wash cloths, and diapers. We'd had no big items yet since she was born asleep at 25 weeks. I'm not sure what I would have done with those, but with the way I am with everything else, I'm sure I'd still have them. Even after having another baby, I cannot have any more. The risks are too great, yet I still keep that box of girl clothes that her brother cannot inherit. I guess it makes me feel closer to her. And I don't think it's strange at all. Whatever makes our hearts feel any bit better, right?
    I hope you are settling in to your new home and that unpacking hasn't been too much of a burden. <3

  6. A farm outside of Portland is our dream home! I'm sure there are many challenges (we idealize it now) and I so wish there was a beautiful little boy enjoying the cows next door.

    Bode uses all of Bear's things and it feels right for little brother to share. Even Bear's couple of little outfits--I resisted putting Bode in them at first and then it made me feel good to see them share those too. When Bode outgrew them (that part made me sad), I packed them back up with Bear's things and not with all the other newborn clothes. At some point, I think whatever you do with Nathaniel's things, whether sharing or not, will feel right.

    I wish you peace to be in the quiet new home and create a space for yourself and Nathaniel.