Saturday, December 8, 2012

mom face

recent conversations about faking it inspired this piece

mom face

nose to nose with a living baby
baby smiles
baby kisses
baby gurgles
baby face and mom face reflected together
this is how we both learn

raising a living child
face to face
my son knows this mom face
is his mom's face

when my baby died
my mom face still
expected connection
first eye contact


muscles involuntarily
twisted in a mask of pain

this revealed a new story
in my mom face

black eyes
broken teeth
swollen, beaten down

my living son witnesses his mom's face
by his own brother face


i try to smile

remember my mom face
the unbroken story
of childhood
and motherhood

i hide

can he see me? what does he see?
my body takes over and i cry out


i cannot be lost.
i am completely lost.


peer closely and see
my own little girl face
her baby is gone

peer closer and see
his little boy face
lost without his little

two lost children
playing mom face
son face
searching for baby brother's face


  1. Oh Suzanne. This is so achingly, destroying-ly wonderful. Your poor boys, poor mama. It's all just so . . . . unfinished. The image of that confused face, waiting for that connection.

    And my story was broken so close to the start. But I can still remember how I felt before she died. Never anything like it. Before or since.

    Some of it does feel like playing these days. Not all of it. But a proportion.

    Thank you for this post.

  2. Yes. This piece is heartbreakingly beautiful, true and poignant. Although, we as bereaved mothers, bear the worst of it, the death of a baby effects the entire family and all those who love us and who love our children.

    Thank you for sharing.

  3. Oh, yes. I wonder about the face E saw on her mom and I will never forget the looks of confusion on her face as she tried to sort out what was going on with me, with our family, as we both searched for baby sister's face. This really resonates; thank you for sharing. The whole thing is beautiful, but the last four lines especially...beautiful and terribly, terribly sad.

  4. This really resonated for me - I find myself so obsessed with how Hugo will deal with Seamus's death when he is old enough to understand... His loss - the loss of his brother. It's just another layer of awful.

    Beautiful piece.