Monday, March 5, 2012

where is he now?

nathaniel died on a monday.

he was cremated wednesday morning. i know because i felt it. david was out of the house. i was alone. i writhed and howled and cried on the bed because he was being cremated and i could feel it.

the funeral director called david wednesday afternoon to tell him he could come and pick up the ashes.

he was gone. my sweet boy was gone. his little voice, his little presence, his little body i held in my arms and saw for only a few hours.

on friday he came back to me - burning in my mind's eye - about 4 or 5 years old. energetic. playful. with dark curly hair and 4 or 5 year-old teeth. we ran together and laughed and played tickle. i sobbed while i drove the car over a bridge. he was right there.

he was skinny like his dad - i put my hands on either side of david's stomach now, his shape, nathaniel's shape, right here.

the distance between shoulder and nipple like my (living) son. he's right here.  

i don't always have him with me in my mind's eye. i can't always feel his presence. i don't entirely understand the heaviness of the grief in relationship to *him*. who is he, where is he, how is he now?

do you imagine your baby? how old is he or she in your mind? what is your relationship like?  


  1. Miller was cremated 10 days after he was born. I hatehatehate thinking about those days. I can't believe it took them so fucking long...

    I always picture Miller as a baby, at least right now. In my dreams he has always been a dead baby. In my mind her is just a permanent baby, never given the chance to be anything else. I don't know if that will change in time?

    I try so hard to keep him feeling close. It's very fleeting though.

  2. Molly looked so much like my husband. When I look at him, I see her in his face. Both of them so beloved to me.

    Sometimes I think about Molly as she was when she was born; other times, I picture her as a one year old, like my nephew. And I continue to wonder what she would have been like if she had survived. I'll always wonder that. I never saw her eyes, but I believe they were blue, like my husband's.

    I think about Molly constantly, and so it seems like I carry her around with me everywhere.

    "If ever there is a tomorrow when we're not together, there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart...I'll always be with you." ~Christopher Robin (A.A. Milne)


  3. I envision Jack all the time as a toddler.I just know he would have been a destructive, very very spoiled, pull my hair out in frustation little hellion. That makes me smile. I miss that future so much.

  4. I used to see Seamus as he was - a newborn. But I had a dream just before I got pregnant - he was about 1, giggling away with another little boy and they were planning on when this other boy would come down to me and John... It was a lovely dream, but I dismissed it, putting it down to wishful thinking. However, shortly afterwards, I found out I was pregnant. It was so strange. Then we were told we were expecting a girl, and that firmed up in my mind that it was just me having wishful dreams.... until we were told it was actually a boy... and I've thought about that dream ever since...

  5. I come and read. I miss with you. I am sad with you. I often wonder the same thing? Where did they go? I wish I could feel her or sense her or get a glimpse of her...even a dream would be nice...but alas...nothing. Sending love.