mom face
nose to nose with a living baby
baby smiles
baby kisses
baby gurgles
baby face and mom face reflected together
this is how we both learn
love
raising a living child
face to face
smile
instruct
encourage
my son knows this mom face
is his mom's face
when my baby died
my mom face still
expected connection
first eye contact
but
absent
contorted
muscles involuntarily
twisted in a mask of pain
this revealed a new story
in my mom face
black eyes
broken teeth
swollen, beaten down
my living son witnesses his mom's face
confused
by his own brother face
wounded
*****
i try to smile
remember my mom face
the unbroken story
of childhood
and motherhood
i hide
can he see me? what does he see?
my body takes over and i cry out
stop.
i cannot be lost.
i am completely lost.
*****
peer closely and see
my own little girl face
wailing
her baby is gone
peer closer and see
his little boy face
lost without his little
brother
two lost children
playing mom face
son face
searching for baby brother's face
Oh Suzanne. This is so achingly, destroying-ly wonderful. Your poor boys, poor mama. It's all just so . . . . unfinished. The image of that confused face, waiting for that connection.
ReplyDeleteAnd my story was broken so close to the start. But I can still remember how I felt before she died. Never anything like it. Before or since.
Some of it does feel like playing these days. Not all of it. But a proportion.
Thank you for this post.
Yes. This piece is heartbreakingly beautiful, true and poignant. Although, we as bereaved mothers, bear the worst of it, the death of a baby effects the entire family and all those who love us and who love our children.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing.
Oh, yes. I wonder about the face E saw on her mom and I will never forget the looks of confusion on her face as she tried to sort out what was going on with me, with our family, as we both searched for baby sister's face. This really resonates; thank you for sharing. The whole thing is beautiful, but the last four lines especially...beautiful and terribly, terribly sad.
ReplyDeleteThis really resonated for me - I find myself so obsessed with how Hugo will deal with Seamus's death when he is old enough to understand... His loss - the loss of his brother. It's just another layer of awful.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful piece.