we're packing up stuff in the city and moving out to the farm. slowly. a friend came over today to help pack for a couple of hours, and she ended up putting all of nathaniel's things in boxes.
all of his stuff from the corner of the basement. after he died, i lugged it all from the living room to the basement and draped baby blankets over everything so i wouldn't have to look at it.
the stuff out of his drawers. onesies, night clothes, diapers. hand-me downs we got from friends who are out of the baby phase themselves. i walked in the room and it just felt so different. i don't know why - the drawers are always closed anyway. but the energy of the room is different now.
my heart is so heavy. i know that at some point, i'm going to have to decide what to do with it all. if we have another baby, whether or not to use it. if we don't have another baby, what to do with it all then?
generally speaking, i'm not really attached to material things. i don't have a problem getting rid of clothes or household things that we no longer need. i don't know why i'm so attached to nathaniel's stuff, and why it brings up so many emotions for me.
maybe by putting everything in boxes it's admitting that he's not coming home. and that is truth that i still can't wrap my head around, and i don't think that my heart can ever come to terms with that.
Oh Suzanne. I have been in and out of E's closet for months now sorting out the clothes we saved, first for if we had another baby, and then specifically for Anja. I put them into different boxes and bags to go to thrift stores or, for some that are stained etc., in the garbage and then I ... just move them around and around in the closet. I can't get rid of them, can't move them out of the house. It's letting too much go. It's admitting too much. But then, what's the hurry, right? Let it all sit. We can let it sit forever, if we need to.
ReplyDeleteI don't get too attached to material things either, but I know that I will keep the few things I bought for Liam for the rest of my days.
ReplyDeletePeace to you dear Suzanne as you move everything to the farm. Thinking of you and Nathaniel aways xx
I still haven't got rid of all of Georgina's things. Although she has been dead for years now. Some of the larger things I gave away, her car seat, the double buggy that I didn't need in the end. But I still have clothes and sleeping bags and so on. As you write, perhaps it just the impossibility of wrapping my head around the truth - that she isn't coming home, that I'm never going to raise her like I wanted to.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that your heart is heavy. And I think we are attached to the 'stuff' because we have all this love, just banging about inside of us, desperate to get out. And Nathaniel isn't here. Georgina isn't here. So we treasure their things because it is all that we can do. And I'm with March, I don't think that there is any rush to decide what to do.
Don't feel like you need to rush anything.
ReplyDeleteAnd with using things for another possible baby - I think of it as passing down between siblings and in that way using Elizabeth's things for Ginny makes me a little happy with the sad.
I concur with all the wise women above. We don't have much to hold onto. We don't have many memories or memorabilia of our children's brief lives. I think it's natural to cling to anything that reminds you of Nathaniel...for as long as you need. Maybe forever.
ReplyDeleteMaybe decades from now, your grandchildren will find infant clothes stashed in your home after you pass away and the story of your second son will be retold over and over again.
I love that thought Pieces of Me - that grandchildren will find the clothes and learn all about Nathaniel...
DeleteI dont think I could ever part with Jack's things, his urn still stays in my bedroom surrounded by his favourite toys,blankets and clothes in his bassinette, we will be getting a second bassinette for Severus. xo to you and hope the move went ok.
ReplyDeleteWe have Molly's precious few baby things stored in the closet. I haven't even taken them out to look at them yet. And they will always be hers.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and Nathaniel and sending much love. xoxo
Before I used to think about what would happen if we had a fire and I'd make a list in my head of what I would try to save in what order...
ReplyDeleteNow, all I would grab (after making sure all of us were out safe of course) would be my laptop (with my photos of Seamus), his box containing an outfit, lock of hair, the cards we received and his baby blanket, the hand and footprints that are framed on our wall.
None of the rest matters. But these things... the things connected to him - I need those close.
My thoughts are the same as the others. All we have is material things, so we hold those near and dear to our hearts, and in our homes. I stored away a few of Acacia's clothes, and the rest we used with her little sister. For me, it's her ashes that I really can't let go of. We've released some in different streams, but I can't let them all go. It's all I have left of her. Literally, and figuratively. I appreciate all the love and wisdom here - we hold on to what we need to, for as long as we need to. No rush to let anything go. Because of course, we will never let go of our little ones.
ReplyDeleteXOXO.