caught between nathaniel's due date and his birth day and his death day. he was due on july 8. he was born july 25. he died that same day. god, he was so sweet and beautiful.
i don't know what is up for me - probably one of the horrible faces of grief. i'm so angry. sometimes i spend the bulk of the day fantasizing about a one-way ticket to india. that perhaps if i just go to india and wander around until i'm done wandering around, then i will be whole and healed and through the other side of this horrible nightmare. even if that takes me the rest of my life.
maybe i should move. anywhere. fly away.
I have similar fantasies. Even though Andrew's brother is here, I still dream of selling everything and just GOING. Where? No idea. I can guarantee that if we had expendable income, we'd be off like nomads.
ReplyDeleteGrief does that. Makes you really take inventory of your life. Losing our babies changed everything.
Hoping these days are kind.
I want to move, too. I imagine walking out the door and just walking and walking and walking, across the country, across the continent.
ReplyDeleteGod, I am so sorry Nathaniel is not here with you. Sweet and beautiful Nathaniel. I will be thinking of you and of him this month and wishing for a little peace for you.
I always dreamed of going to the desert like Arizona, Nevada and new Mexico and living out my days there. Maybe someday. I am thinking of you and Nathaniel.xo
ReplyDeleteI know he was. I know it. Although I never met your son. Sweet and beautiful. Exactly as you describe him. Your Nathaniel.
ReplyDeleteI fantasize about packing it all up and moving to the hills of Vermont.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking about you Suzanne, and your sweet and beautiful Nathaniel.
Oh I just wanted to go... Get away, be anywhere but where I was. I thought I could run away from the pain but we carry it in our hearts. And it goes with us and takes up residency wherever we are. Vacations seem like a nice distraction, focusing on something else. Bug we can't not forget our child who we lost. I'm sorry this time is so hard. I understand. I wish your sweet beautiful boy was in your arms.
ReplyDeleteI dream of the ocean. I want to sit in the sand and just get lost in the greatness of it all. Thinking of you and Nathaniel. This first year just seems so very hard.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and sweet Nathaniel. Thinking about long a year seems yet July 2011 feels like just yesterday.
ReplyDeleteJust stopping by and thinking of you and Nathaniel during these 'in between' days xo
ReplyDeletePart of me wanted to just get up, go to the airport, buy the cheapest ticket to the furthest place I could go to, dye my hair, change my name, invent a different past and just start a completely new life somewhere else... pretending to be someone else entirely.
ReplyDeleteMy own life was just too painful to live anymore.
I would have done it were it not for John - I just couldn't do that to him. I couldn't live without him.